I am at the age when my friends and acquaintances are dying. Although at the moment I am in good health, the bell can toll for me at any moment.

Some of my friends, in preparation for their death, have made allocation of their financial assets, but that is all. Perhaps I have gone overboard, but I have been planning my death for years - even to the songs to be sung at my funeral. Jokingly, I have said to my family that I don't know how to plan for the eventuality of outliving my friends and none come to sing the songs.

One of the first things I did years ago was to select an estate attorney and decide what to do with my assets, but I also recorded my wishes about saving my treasured family memorabilia and scrapbooks. Of course, I've changed my will many times and will probably do so again - might as well call it a work-in-progress. I also bought burial plots in the Chapel Hill Memorial Cemetery and recently noticed the prices have increased. I hate to say it, but the cemetery tombstones are pretty boring, with a few exceptions such as the sculpture of a child reading a book that one man dedicated to his wife. In the old cemeteries part of their charm are the epitaphs written by the deceased or their relatives - so far none at this cemetery. I think all should write their epitaphs if for no other reason to understand more about themselves.

About 25 years ago I wrote my epitaph and thought one day I might do something with it ahead of time. A few years ago I talked with Ruffin Hobbs, sculptor and dear friend, now deceased, to help me design something interesting. The result was a marble bench with my epitaph to be written on it. My daughter had it finished for the 70^th surprise birthday celebration that she and my son gave me. Ruffin even played the bagpipes when it was unveiled. It reads: "Live with a generous heart, laughter, love, and sensitivity ... and be thankful for good health and a poor memory for the 'slings and arrows of outrageous fortune'." At this time I plan to put it at the family burial plot upon which visitors can sit.

As we age we start reading the obituary page more often. Some obits are boring with an excess of laudatory remarks, including all the organizations to which the deceased ever belonged. Some are touching to the heart and beautifully written. One of my favorites was written ahead of time by the deceased. To the readers of the News and Observer it was extreme and hilarious. It included "she died while in the loving care of her two favorite children" - she had four. It continued "she died peacefully when all her breath leaked out." After that I did not write my obituary, but instead recorded in my "Vital Records" three-ring notebook some of my virtues and faults, including "she did not suffer fools gladly." I am sure my children will come up with even more for the funeral or obituary.

Another practical aspect is what to do with "the stuff." I have mentioned to my children that I might leave "the stuff" at the house as I go out in my pine box or walk out on my way to a retirement center with one suitcase as Carl Sandberg's widow did when she left Flat Rock. I probably won't do it, but it is tempting.

Then there is the decision whether to be buried or cremated. My wish to my family is that I be buried in a pine box. If they decide to cremate me and put my ashes at my burial plot that is all right with me, but I am opposed to the scattering of ashes somewhere. I believe there is a spiritual value to a grave. A grave is where mourners can come for visits to pay their respects and focus on their memories. It is where older children can be shown the graves of family members and told the stories of their lives. Recently my son Doug was in Memphis visiting my brother. He returned with a framed photograph showing framed photos of my mother and I placed at her grave with flowers in the background. It was a sweet gift of love to me.

Several years ago I discovered "Five Wishes" which is a booklet that helps people think about the care they want at the end of their life. It includes a number of questions such as "what would make me comfortable when I am dying?" I found it easy to use and understand, not written in the language of doctors or lawyers. It allows people to discuss comfort, dignity, and forgiveness, not just medical concerns. From my perspective this is as important as my will.

Our deaths are not necessarily imminent just because we plan for our deaths. At the beginning of my "Vital Records" notebook I say "One of the goals of my life is to die young, as late as possible."